Ep.5/ who am i
i could choose love —I could choose TO LOVE every single part of me — every wounded piece.
❤️
Who is this version that I see? I look in the mirror and I’m not sure who I’ve become. I run and hide, playing as if everything is ok. I avoid and surround myself with people who make me feel better about burying my pain instead of facing it head on and learning to love those parts of me.
So I continue to search and run, however…no matter how fast, or where I go, my shadow is always there. Connected to me, from the souls of my feet. Puzzling me…why do I feel the same?
I find myself in the same pain and darkness, only with different people and in different places. I blame everyone else because it makes me feel safe and I would never want to take responsibility for my hurt.
Ep.5/
who am i
So I continue to fight, this won’t break me. I’m fine, I’m strong. but lately I’ve been finding that I’m more alone than ever before.
I don’t allow people in that are trying to love me, it makes me feel uncomfortable, the emotions that surface are so far removed from me that I’m not sure how to feel them anymore. If they ask emotional questions that trigger me, I’m not sure how I would respond. Or maybe I would turn into an emotional mess, and that doesn’t “feel” good. I would never want anyone to “see” my truth.
So, I continue to run, bury, avoid, and build up walls. Little do I know that these walls are getting stronger and stronger. It’s going to take something drastic and devastating to break them down.
This volcano within me is going to erupt.
I found myself shaking — on the floor, feeling like I was in a million pieces — broken. This is what happened to break me. so here I am. All parts of me. Take it or leave it. I had a choice…continue on the same destructive path that I had been hiding from for so long. Avoiding everyone who wanted to love me and help me heal. Running from my shadow only to build more walls, more separation, and blaming everyone that came into my path. OR…
I could choose love. Loving each part of me. every single broken piece. Showing up in those uncomfortable moments where I feel vulnerable and actually working through them with an open mind to change and evolve, to become.
To recognize the patterns I was responsible for. To intentionally show up with love in my heart. Instead of anger, frustration, and fear. Showing up on any given day and allow myself to be held, in my pain. Allowing myself to feel the emotions that surfaced for me every day and ask myself the questions to get to know myself again.